So Im sitting outside of metro center where I’m about to take the NREMT exam, having arrived extremely early to avoid anything from making me late or stressed I had lots of time to think. When first thinking of this test and how I had to take it to get my licence and knowing that it was the one thing that could stand in my way from being an EMT is scared me, worried me, stressed me out. The closer I got to the test the less I worried about, until of course I had to pick a date to test and it felt as if the fate of the rest of my life was hanging in the balance. As I said that out loud to my friend I realized just how silly that was. I dont even believe in fate, one single event cant change your life unless you let it. If I don’t pass the test my life is not over it just means I have to take it over or maybe it means G-d needed to humble me once again… seeing that I got a little too over confident in my abilities and forgot why I took the EMT course in the first place; to glorify G-d ..thats all I care about anyway. Grades and lisence dont matter and I certainly don’t need to prove anything to G-d because I prove to Him everday that I’m unworthy ,yet He still loves me, He still chooses me, so, whatever happens, happens because no matter how hard I did or did not study ,how much I do or do not I know He is in control… Period.
Latest
Frist day
Written 16 June 2010
Going through check in security and passport control at the airport was an… adventure.. not that it didn’t go smooth, there just seemed to be a lot of confusion, when you have 12 bags and 4 people that’s asking for it just a bit. For someone that likes order that was the first hurdle I had to get over. Once we got through and prayed, things seemed to run better. After two plane rides and a lay over we arrived in Sanwan airport. We dragged our 12 bags threw security and customs we met up with Gedeus and his friend in the dry sticky heat outside. Somehow they managed to get all our bags on the top of the car and all of use (there 6 of us now) in the van. Once we were loaded up we head out to Santiogo to visit a church were we met a family that we would be soon spending the night with. After what felt like a crazy confusing drive we arrived at a quaint little house, in the DR where we stayed for the night and got blessed by a little family. Tomorrow we head to Haiti but today we rest with this little family in the DR.
Wait what? Carlene went to Haiti?
Ok some of you might be reading this saying did I miss something? Well I was saying the same thing on June 16th.
“G-d how did I get here?”
When G-d moves He doesn’t waste anytime, He doesn’t need plane things the way we do. We should be ready at any moment to do to be wherever G-d wants us. For some of use that hard to do. We feel like we need to pray to put out a flees to ‘wait on the L-rd’. Well if you put it that way I have been waiting a long time with my hands open. Saying whatever you want me to do just tell me, I go about my day go about working but ready to give that all up to do Ad-nai will. So when He tells me to go to Haiti in 3 days well I go..I don’t have to think about it or wait because well I was waiting and now I going. I didn’t have time to think or worry or panic in fact I was there in back so fast I’m like what happened?
Ok some of you are still wondering how I got to Haiti. Well you already know it was G-ds will. The earthly reason I went was because my congregation has an orphanage/safe house/family center called Chesed (kindness in Hebrew) House, in Cap-Haitien, Haiti. I have been praying sometime about wither I should go there, since the earth quake there has been a even greater need, even though Cap-Haitien was not directly effected by the quake hundreds of people came the the city and mountain near by to try to find a safe place to stay. That resulted in Chesed House overflowing with children. So my main job was to talk each kid and take pictures so we can work on getting the kids sponsorships so we are sure they always have food in there bellies.
more to come later..
I am where?
Written June 16th
As I write this I find myself on a plane heading to Haiti. When I was told I was going to Haiti 3 days ago it didn’t really hit me then and still hasn’t hit me now. (I am going where? How did that happen?) People have been asking me if I’m ‘ready’, if I’m ‘excited’, regardless of those things…here I am on a plane. I think sometimes we feel like to do the works of G-d we have to go to trainings and have months to get ready, prepared and of course we need to be excited because if we are not then it can’t be the will of G-d. Can anyone say Jonah? (I’ll leave that for another post). Don’t get me wrong I am excited but really more content then anything,. I am at peace but find myself asking should I really be on the plane, what am i doing here. That dose not mean I don’t want to be here, but really what good can I do. I don’t understand Him but I don’t have to understand or even agree with Him to be obedient. As far as feeling ready, dose that really matter what I feel, G-d said get on that plane well in fact G-d use my Rabbi to tell me that, but there has been many times where I thought I was ready and boy was I wrong and then there was times when I couldn’t of felt less prepared and those are the times I have seen G-d awesomeness the most, because I look to Him and not myself. I have found it is more important to stay humble then be ‘ready’ whatever that really means anyway. So I don’t know what I am doing here or if I am ‘ready’ for whatever I am about to face but my heart is open with G-d’s passion written on it, and I am letting go of anything I might have to give so that He can give what is really needed.
G-d uses us when we’re willing and open, not when were ready..
Stepping back, instead of pushing on
a weight hangs over my shoulder, a restlessness fights with my sprite I cant see. I’m losing focus the feather ahead I push, the harder it is to see, the heaver it gets the more my sprite fights. I cry out
” how do i get pass this?”
So here I am taking a step back, stepping away from all the craziness, and cutting off all the filth and my earthly identity. I don’t want it any more. I just want the will of Ad-nai, and sometime the things that don’t make any sense are the only things that make prefect sense.
In our human understanding when we feel disconnected we try to keep pushing forward and try to find something to make a us feel reconnected. Some times step back and drawing near to the only One that can make you feel that way, is the best way.
In fact I think thats part of the problem we have, we try to keep pushing on, when Ad-nai dose not tell us that, we tell us that. How can we push threw if we left something that we really need behind, witch is why stepping back is sometimes needed.
its a humbling process dieing to ones identity.
Blown away
Over half a million words in the English language and there are no words that I have found to affectively describe the awesomeness of Ad-nai. and even if I found a word that was perfect for a moment He would for sure overpass the word very soon.
Even though we try so hard and come up with new words all the time, sometimes there just are no words and some things are just not worthy of even trying to put into words.
What Ad-nai is doing inside of me I cant even begin to describe but its both awesome and a bit scary but oh so lovely, all I can say is that i am so so blown away.
So much more
- Every piece is important, but you only know it’s importance when you see the whole picture. E~A
If I have learned anything over this past year it should be that, ‘its not about me’.
So often I focus on myself, what am I going to get out of this? How am I going to change? What do I want to do? How hard is it going to be for me? Am I ready?
But were do I get off asking those selfish questions?
My life and the things that I do are not about me. I know this, yet I cant seem to grab it and keep it for slipping form my finger tips.
Now I know I’m not going out on a lim when I say that I am not the only one that deals with this problem.
It has a lot to do with the media and how our culture teaches us to focuses inward. theres nothing wrong with looking in the mirror at yourself but there is something wrong if thats all you see and care about or think thats all that its about.
I have to say I think that is one of the main lessions Ad-nai has been really ‘trying’ to teach me. I say trying because well I have not really been the best student in this subject.
If this was a teacher trying to teach me something I feel like they would of shaken me at this point and said “i dont know how else to tell you, why cant you just get it” and well in a way He has. and maybe the explanations of the learning and shaking should go in an other blog.
All I know is Ad-nai must of used more then 50 ways (big and small, some even drastic) to get to me to understand this, and well I think im starting to get it.
When Ad-nai asked me to do something I have the tendency to question how stressful its going to be and how im going to fit it into ‘my life’, and wather or not I feel I can handle it.
But what He is asking of me really has nothing to do with me, in a way it dose but not really, its so much more then that. He is not asking me to do things cus He thinks I might have fun doing them or it would be a good growing experience, He is simply saying I am working on a puzzle ,I needed you to be a piece, But its not about the piece that I am, it’s about the whole puzzle, the bigger picture.
So it dosent really matter that it might be hard for me, or i dont really have time or i so much rather be doing somthing else, cus its not about my piece but its about the pieacs that go in after me, its about completing the puzzle, it about giving glory where glory is due.
Am i ready? do i really think Ad-nai care weather i think i am ready or not, when He say go you go, thats that.
So whatever selfish complexes I got going on Ad-nai has to shake them out of me so He can finish the puzzle, see the whole picture and be glorified for that.
Its not about me, its so much bigger then that. So so so much bigger.
and its also about how He works threw me to do His will, He is just so awesome, there are not even words.
What ever Your doing inside of me…
Sanctus Real, Whatever Your doing..
What is going on inside of me? Ad-nai what are you doing? I feel so so so losts confused, overwhelmed… yet at the same time i feel found, sure and at peace. How in the world can I feel both those things at the same time? I feel so disconnected yet I feel close. It’s like Your asking things off me and I just dont get it, I just don’t.
The best way to explain is to use the lyrics of this awesome song by Sanctus Real.
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something heavenly
In the pastIi have been known to fight the chaos and try to find my own peace in life, to hold on, try to solve everything myself. I am trying so hard to let go of that
It’s time for healing time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
I’m putting a stop to the silliness that I have been seeming to mass produce over the years. I’m surrendering…thats all I can do, thats all there is to do. But you cant surrender and then pick your gun back up and go back into battle and well thats what I have been doing. Making a mess of something that, well that dose not have to be so messy.
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Even though I feel like I’m moving in circles all I can do is keep moving forward.
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender…
So in the mist of this wave crashing over me, in the mist of this storm, in the mist of this chaos I surrender, Ad-nai its up to You. I have no idea what your doing inside of me or what’s going to become of it. I’m going to stop fighting it. Just help me out please, because I can not see.
Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
being broken and restored for You.
Happy?
“Since I have been home I have not wanted to really be around people. I think the biggest reason is that I have nothing to say to them. If I am around people I feel as if I have to put on a show. That I’m ok, and that I’m even happy. Because if they think I am not ok then they all go and try to make me happy, to fix me.”
I wrote this a few weeks ago and after I finished the last sentences I had a huge break down. Even though I had a lot more I wanted to write, because I was writing out of anger I think its best that, that’s as far as I got. I really don’t think I ever cried that hard or that long in my life. I had been stuck in a slump for a very long time and well HaShem needed to brake me. Since that night He has continued braking me. I have to say it feels good to be broken and not trying to make myself feel whole.
After all that hiding form people and myself, it feels good to be around people, and it feels really good to smile from my heart and not just my facial muscles. I still have a long way to go but I feel as if I am right where HaShem wants me to be.
It really keeps me in check that I really am nothing apart from HaShem, but a weak hopeless little girl.
People always seem to have statements of admiration for me and well it’s not me, I tell you, there in nothing good in me apart from G-d. So please don’t go admiring me, He is the only one worth admiring. The only good quality about me is that I am in love with Him. Even then I only love Him because He loved me first. And that thought truly dose make me happy all the way down to the deepest part of my soul.
A lot on my mind
It’s been a while, and i have a lot on my mind right now so I’m just going to jump right in.
What is it about death that people can’t talk about? and the only thing people can say is “im really sorry for your lost. “Well i don’t think that helpful in anyway, but more as like a lack for better words.
and why is it that death cost so much, it almost cost more to die then it does to live, i just dont understand that.
Why is it that people see Judaism as laws and not an amazing reverence to the Creator.
How come Christians celebrate the holidays that pagans created and not the ones that Yeshua went to and celebrated when He was on earth.
Why is it that so many Christians fail to recognise that Yeshua is a Jew, and He was most likely not called Jesus when He lived on earth. And Jesus is His English name.
When people get so close to their goals, they seem to get stuck and keep going or almost stray away for it.
People spend more time trying to be someone that everyone likes, that they forget what they like about themselves.
