Stepping back, instead of pushing on

15 06 2009

a weight hangs over my shoulder, a restlessness fights with my sprite  I cant see. I’m losing focus the feather ahead I push, the harder it is to see, the heaver it gets  the more my sprite fights. I cry out

” how do i get pass this?”

So here I am taking a step back, stepping away from all the craziness, and cutting off all the filth and my earthly identity. I don’t want it any more. I just want the will of Ad-nai, and sometime the things that don’t make any sense are the only things that make prefect sense.  

In our human understanding when we feel disconnected we try to keep pushing forward and try to find something to make a us feel reconnected. Some times step back and drawing near to the only One that can make you feel that way, is the best way.

In fact I think thats part of the problem we have, we try to keep pushing on, when Ad-nai dose not tell us that, we tell us that.  How can we push threw if we left something that we really need behind, witch is why stepping back is sometimes needed.

its a humbling process dieing to ones identity.





Blown away

1 06 2009

Over half a million words in the English  language and there are no words that I have found to affectively describe the awesomeness of Ad-nai. and even if I found a word that was perfect for a moment He would for sure overpass the word very soon.

Even though we try so hard and come up with new words all the time, sometimes there just are no words and some things are just not worthy of even trying to put into words.

What Ad-nai is doing inside of me I cant even begin to describe but its both awesome and a bit scary but oh so lovely, all I can say is that i am so so blown away.





So much more

25 05 2009
every piece is important, but you only know its importance when you see the whole picture.
Every piece is important, but you only know it’s importance when you see the whole picture. E~A

 

If I have learned anything over this past year it should be that, ‘its not about me’.

So often I focus on myself, what am I going to get out of this?  How am I going to change?  What do I want to do? How hard is it going to be for me? Am I ready?

But were do I get off asking those selfish questions?

My life and the things that I do are not about me. I know this, yet I cant seem to grab it and keep it for slipping form my finger tips.

Now I know I’m not going out on a lim when I say that I am not the only one that deals with this problem.

It has a lot to do with the media and how our culture teaches us to focuses inward. theres nothing wrong with looking in the mirror at yourself but there is something wrong if thats all you see and care about or think thats all that its about. 

I have to say I think that is one of the main lessions Ad-nai has been really ‘trying’ to teach me.  I say trying because well I have not really been the best student in this subject. 

If this was a teacher trying to teach me something I feel like they would of shaken me at this point and said “i dont know how else to tell you, why cant you just get it” and well in a way He has. and maybe the explanations of the learning and shaking should go in an other blog.

All I know is Ad-nai must of used more then 50 ways (big and small, some even drastic) to get to me to understand this, and well I think im starting to get it.

When Ad-nai asked me to do something I have the tendency to question how stressful its going to be and how im going to fit it into ‘my life’,  and wather or not I feel I can handle it.

But what He is asking of me really has nothing to do with me, in a way it dose but not really, its so much more then that. He is not asking me to do things cus He thinks I might have fun doing them or it would be a good growing experience, He is simply saying I am working on a puzzle ,I needed you to be a piece, But its not about the piece that I am, it’s about the whole puzzle, the bigger picture.

So it dosent really matter that it might be hard for me, or i dont really have time or i so much rather be doing somthing else, cus its not about my piece but its about the pieacs that go in after me, its about completing the puzzle, it about giving glory where glory is due.

Am i ready? do i really think Ad-nai care weather i think i am ready or not, when He say go you go, thats that.

So whatever selfish complexes I got going on Ad-nai has to shake them out of me so He can finish the puzzle, see the whole picture and be glorified for that.

Its not about me, its so much bigger then that. So so so much bigger.

and its also about how He works threw me to do His will, He is just so awesome, there are not even words.





What ever Your doing inside of me…

25 05 2009

Sanctus Real, Whatever Your doing..

What is going on inside of me? Ad-nai what are you doing? I feel so so so losts confused, overwhelmed… yet at the same time i feel found, sure and at peace. How in the world can I feel both those things at the same time? I feel so disconnected yet I feel close. It’s like Your asking things off me and I just dont get it, I just don’t.

The best way to explain is to use the lyrics of this awesome song by Sanctus Real.

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

In the pastIi have been known to  fight the chaos and try to find my own peace in life, to hold  on, try to solve everything myself. I am trying so hard to let go of that

It’s time for healing time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

I’m putting a stop to the silliness that I have been seeming to mass produce over the years. I’m surrendering…thats all I can do, thats all there is to do.  But you cant surrender and then pick your gun back up and go back into battle and well thats what I have been doing. Making a mess of something that, well that dose not have to be so messy.

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

 Even though I feel like I’m moving in circles all I can do is keep moving forward.  

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender… 

So in the mist of this wave crashing over me, in the mist of this storm, in the mist of this chaos I surrender, Ad-nai its up to You. I have no idea what your doing inside of me or what’s going to become of it. I’m going to stop fighting it. Just help me out please, because I can not see.

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

being broken and restored for You.





Happy?

24 03 2009

“Since I have been home I have  not wanted to really be around people. I think the biggest reason is that I have nothing to say to them.  If I am around people I feel as if I have to put on a show. That I’m ok, and that I’m even happy. Because if they think I am not ok then they all go and try to make me happy, to fix me.”

I wrote this a few weeks ago and after I finished the last sentences I had a huge break down. Even though I had a lot more I wanted to write, because I was writing out of anger I think its best that, that’s as far as I got.  I really don’t think I ever cried that hard or that long in my life. I had been stuck in a slump for a very long time and well HaShem needed to brake me. Since that night He has continued braking me.  I have to say it feels good to be broken and not trying to make myself feel whole.

After all that hiding form people and myself, it feels good to be around people, and it feels really good to smile from my heart and not just my facial muscles. I still have a long way to go but I feel as if I am right where HaShem wants me to be.

It really keeps me in check that I really am nothing apart from HaShem, but a weak hopeless little girl.

People always seem to have statements of admiration for me and well it’s not me, I tell you, there in nothing good in me apart from G-d. So please don’t go admiring me, He is the only one worth admiring. The only good quality about me is that I am in love with Him. Even then I only love Him because He loved me first. And that thought truly dose make me happy all the way down to the deepest part of my soul.





A lot on my mind

6 03 2009

It’s been a while, and i have a lot on my mind right now so I’m just going to jump right in.

 

What is it about death that people can’t talk about? and the only thing people can say is “im really sorry for your lost. “Well i don’t think that helpful in anyway, but more as like a lack for better words.

and why is it that death cost so much, it almost cost more to die then it does to live, i just dont understand that.

Why is it that people see Judaism as laws and not an amazing reverence to the Creator.

How come Christians  celebrate the holidays that pagans created and not the ones that Yeshua went to and celebrated when He was on earth.

Why is it that so many Christians fail to recognise that Yeshua is a Jew, and He was most likely not called Jesus when He lived on earth. And Jesus is His English name. 

When people get so close to their goals, they seem to get stuck and keep going or almost stray away for it.

People spend more time trying to be someone that everyone likes, that they forget what they like about themselves.





The ultimate excuse

8 12 2008

So the other day I was talking to someone and my brother told them I

had just come back from the Philippines, so they were asking me what I

was doing there and then they made a comment that “it must be nice to

not be committed to anything like a job or family so I could travel”.

To be honest I was a bit put back by that comment and my response was

“My commitment is to G-d”. He made a well that’s nice nod, talked a

little bit more and went on his way.

 

People often get the wrong idea, that doing G-d work means you have to

neglect other responsibilities to be free to do the things of G-d,

like to not be tied down to a job or a family to do those things…

 

“wow”

 

Its almost like people think of it as if there is a window of time

that you have to live in faith to set out and do something, before you

have to face the realities of life.

 

To some people getting or having a job is really important. You need

to make a commitment so that you know that you will be able to have a

wife/husband/ family and be able to take care of them. We make

commitments to renting or owning properties, owning and leasing cars, we

have this mentality that we have to, this mind set that in order to live

we must set our loyalty to things such as these.

 

Now I am not saying there is anything wrong with making commitments or

being loyal to something. Although so many times it seems easier for

us to make those commitments, however making promises to jobs, renting

and owning.. keeps us from being loyal to things that matter more.

 

I can’t even tell you the countless times I have heard the “I have a job

and family” excuse from keeping or making a commitment with G-d. ( yes

I see that as an “excuse” because it is)

 

Often commitments take sacrifices. Getting a job or a better one might

mean having to move to a different state, sometimes even a different

country. Moving your whole family from everything they were

committed to and comfortable with.

 

Even though it might be hard for us to move for a other job and move

our family we do it. Why? because we think it good for them, we think

we are giving our family a better life.

 

Although I have learned that there is more then what we think is a

“better life”. G-d wants to give us a better life, He has something

better for us.

 

Here’s my reality; I had a good job, owned a car, and when I finished

high school I probably could of got a better job, moved out on my own, and

went to one of the good colleges I got into. If I wanted to I probably

could of gotten married and settled down soon.

 

But you see I gave that up, because years ago I made a commitment to

G-d. That means nothing gets in the way of that. Just like if you

make a year commitment to a job. Some people might see it as me

throwing it away. However, I made a life decision that, I will make no

other devotions with out His approval. That means I drop obligations

that I had, to do what the One I am truly dedicated to, wants me to

do.

 

Now I know you do not need to leave the country, or the state, or even

your job, to be doing the will of G-d. Like I said, so many people

use jobs and payments and families as “excuses” of why they cant

either hold true to a commitment they once made to G-d or excuses

not to devote your life to G-d.

 

When you commit to G-d that should be it. There is no turning back,

there is nothing that gets in the way. Your loyalty is now to Him,

If G-d says go, then you go, whether you have nothing holding you

back or everything possible holding you back.

 

As hard as it might seem to give everything up and leave everything

behind, knowing that you are giving G-d glory is just so awesome and

satisfying.





Closed of

28 11 2008

                                                                          Written 9 May, 2008

                                                                          Time in Israel 

 

   So often I find myself closed off, like I shut myself off, or I just sit there and don’t share myself. I didn’t realise how much I don’t let people in until I lived in a house of 17 people.

Out of all the challenges we faced being in a different culture, a new country with new languages… living together with 17 people for 3 months, and then 4 people for 2 months; was by far the biggest challenge for me. Why?

There was no where to hide and I felt like I was vunerable and exposed. I didn’t want anyone to see the real me. I disconnected myself, I was there but, really not. Durning the first 3 months we were taking classes and we all needed time alone to deal with issues that Ad-nai was revealing to us in that time. Then it came to outreach and it was time to work as a team; if I didn’t open up how could I possibly help the team.

I felt so ripped open already, if I put myself out there I might get ripped open again, by hiding myself and not sharing me I jipped the team and the people we were reaching out to. By hiding myself I was hiding the the piece of El-him that has been placed inside of me.

Who am I to keep the world from seeing images of our Creator? If I kept myself closed off, then no one would see that piece of Him.

In a world of so many people trying so hard not to be themselves, we lose the image of El-him.

By hiding ourselves from people, it that not rejecting ourselves?and by rejecting ourselves are we not rejecting the creation of the Creator.

In a world that rejects G-d I guess it makes sence to reject His creation too.





We got it backward

23 11 2008

we got it wrong

So I have been thinking lately, and the more I think, the more confused I get and the more I discover I don’t know anything. What I thought I knew, I have found to be wrong. what people have been telling me, what I have learn, it just makes no sense when thought about. it sounded good at one point but now that i am using my own mind I just got to say that I don’t agree.

I have been taking all I know to Ad-nai and trying to line it up with Him, and something I have found that so often we do it backward we get a thought or the theory and we try to line Ad-nai up with it.  We find verses that fit and we can explain it so it makes sense. but the more I get to know Ad-nai the more I see, that He does not make sense to me or this world. because He is so much bigger then that. 

I have found that people don’t so much care if there backing G-d, as long as they feel G-d is backing them. Then people well so easily follow them. Witch makes me think are we really trying to find G-d, and understand Him?

maybe the mistake is that we want to understand Him but, we cant. So inoder to try we put Him in a box, so that we can try get a pictuer but then we get a pictuer of the box and not really Him at all.  We all take different things we like and put it in the box. Now everyone has a box but whats in the box is different cus its only part not all. G-d is to big for us to comprehend so we have stopped even trying and instead of keeping an open mind and trying to understand piece by piece.  We close the box, only focusing on the pieces that we have picked.

I am not sure when we thought we had the right to put G-d in a box or even why we would want to.

G-d is so much bigger then you, don’t try to fit Him into your life and your head. fit into His.





Love, with everything you got?

8 11 2008

Ok so here’s a question for you.

what does it mean to love G-d with all your heart soul and mind?

any G-d loving person out there most likely has asked this question and is most likely still asking this question and will continue to ask this question. 

 

I mean like if you love G-d everything in your life should show it right? everything you do should be trying to please Him. Respect Him, listen to Him 

you should live your life out in evidence that you love Him.

 

but how do you do that? what does it look like?

does it mean you must give up everything that you have and live on trusting in Him for your every need.

does it mean you should give up sleeping so you can spend more time with Him.

Does it mean that we should see everything we own as His and freely give it as He tells us.

 

Ok so to some of you that might sound crazy, but here the thing

if you love someone would you not give up your job, your house, your money and move to be with them?

if you love someone would you not want to stay up all night  just to see if they say somthing anything cus you love to here there voice?

if you love someone then do you not see all you have as theirs. 

 

Same thing if you love someone and they dont like that you smoke would you not try giving up smoking? even if it hard or it hurts?

 

I get a lot of questions about why i do things that hurt, that are hard, that break everything inside of me, for G-d.  

 

well here is my answer, I am driven by this crazy thing called love.

I am so in love with G-d that i will give up everything i have, 

 

sad reality is that i still am in love with myself a little to much. and my love for G-d is not the only thing that drives me. 

you see i will only go so far.

 

but i dont want that i want more i want to love Him with everything cus that the only thing i think of day and night i mean i have to try to push Him out of my head.

 

thats why i ask what does it mean to love G-d with all your heart soul and mind. what does it look like. how do we get there?

 

ok ok i know the answer to the question just give it all to Him. but thats hard how do we get to the point where we can do that. Give up everything for Him.

 

How do we get to the point where not only everything we own, is His but everything we do is for Him, everything we spend. every moment we breath we breath it for Him. 

 

and again to some thing that might sound extreme. Cus you know what G-d loves me already i dont have to do a thing to earn His love. but i dont love Him because i owe Him but i love Him because He is the only one i can love and i love Him because He First loved me.

 

I am finding that love is a process ask any couple that has been mairred over 2 years and they will tell you.

 

leaving me behind so i may seek after Him