Fearing. embracing.

Shivering in the corner lying to myself

Being sacred because I know not how to love

I know I need to get up and love with all I got

But every time I try I fail

My excuse is I do not know how

I’m not sure what I’m here for in I cannot give my all

I’m not sure what I’m here for if I am just going to give up and fall

I’m sitting in the corner lying to myself

Whispering the I’m sacred because I do not know

The truth is, I sacred because I do know

I know what is to come when I open up my heart

And the way my life was before will forever be ripped apart

The comforts of my world will no longer seam the same

And what I use to care about would only bring me shame

If I let go, my sadness will be exposed

Joy like I have never known will surround me from all end

There will be no way to escape

Covered from all sides

My life will be run by love

In no way will it hide

So I sit here shaking in the cover

Pondering why it is the verything we want most seems to scared us the most

Ruined

A fuzzy feeling of butterflies floating in your tummy

The clam before the storm 

That interweaves your imparts and your deepest thoughts

With the hope of truths that hurt so much you think you might be dieing

To instead learn your living the best you ever have.

It’s giving up your desires for your egotistical ways,

Saying good bye to the comforts you once knew.

Look in the mirror and see you’re ruined

Nothing will ever be the same, down in your thoughts

But in your sprites there’s joy to be found in the darkest of places

Opening up your heart to the world

Letting go of the will you used to tell yourself you owned

Looking into the reflections of your heart

Your ruined

Love will do that to you 

kids will break your heart and lift your sprits.

15 June 08

 

Sunday we all piled into the back of what is like a small flat bed truck with benches on either side, much like the vans that are used to take the bad guys away in the movies, to head off to church where we worshiped and praised and listened to a message from one of the base staff or really half listened seeing that we could only understand half of it, the other half that I didn’t understand was in Tagalog. The native language on this side of the Island. After the service everyone greeted us, and when I say everyone I really mean everyone it was a small church so it was possible. The people here are so friendly and the kids are so cute there was one little boy Michael in particular that seemed to catch a few of our hearts and all the girls wanted to take him home with us, not that he need to be taken home.. he had a loving mom and a bunch of sisters, but there was just something about him that intrigued us. His smile will forever be implanted in my heart.  

It was hot in the church but so full of love and passion to worship and adore the Creator of the world that the hotness didn’t really seem to matter.

We hopped back in the jail car and head back to what is home to us for the next 6 weeks.  After Lunch a few of us went into town for a bit, when I came back I was over heated, rundown and feeling a bit home sick, I wanted to just lay down for a little while. But after begging, bribing and threatening; the girls got me to join them on a walk. I was not so thrilled in the beginning, but as we started seeing people and stopping to talk to the locals I was having a fun time and feeling much better. The kids are so cute, they run up the road and say hi when they see us coming some of them already know some of our names. What really did me over was this young girl. We were standing by the side of the road talking to a bunch of kids and there was this girl standing there looking at her phone then all the sudden she showed it to me, I was a bit confused but I looked, the text option was opened and she has typed in it.” What is your name?” still confused I said my name, she then turned and taped her sister on the shoulder and her sister then signed my name for her.  She was deaf ,that explained why she was not talking.

I started to rack my brain for any sign langauge that I used to know, but it had been so long and I never knew much, my heart sank cus I wanted to show her that I wanted to talk to her. Then it dawned on me I had my cell phone too, so I pulled it out and we started typing to each other, we didn’t talk long but it was so awesome I have wanted to start learning sing language again and now I really, really want to.  Next time I see her (she lives right down the road) I will ask her to teach me some. HaShem is so amazing.

 

13 June

Wow, there is so much to learn, this week I felt like there was a bit of a brain overload; but at the same time I feel like I learned so much. We are going over a lot of the basics of what you need to know to be a doctor; as well as learning a method of how to treat patients in third world countries. The people in the group are all great; we are all here to learn and we are all willing to take the time to sit down and study together till we understand everything we went over in class.

For practical this week we learned how to take pulse, respiratory rates, how to listen to breathing and heart and how to take someone’s blood pressure.

After practicing on each-other for a few days; we got the chance to go to the local prison and take blood pressure and be a part of the dental clinic that was going on there. I gladly jumped in to assist the doctor in anyway, and i got to help out (meaning i held up a flashlight and held the heads of patients) I know that i am really going to enjoy this practical part where we go out and help people, and the doctor said that next time he will let me pull the teeth (cool). the one thing that really struck me was how many people needed teeth pulled, in third world countries that’s really all they can do; take the tooth out. but even just the simple things I cant do cus they don’t have the equipment they need. this poor guy had to go through all this pain in getting a peace of tooth out cus we didn’t have the right tools. oh how much we take our dentists for granted.

13 June 6:30PM

tonight we ate tilapia; now I have had tilapia before.. many times before. Tonight I ate a fish; meaning I ate half a fish. Half a fish with tail and gils ..you know the skin, never would I have eaten that, but tonight I did .Tonight I forced myself to scavenge for the meat on an animal while I had other fish heads looking at me. But it wont be so bad in a few weeks, I know it will be fine, now if I had to eat that half fertilized duck egg at the other end of the table that would be a very different story.

I am learning that I have these silly little things I don’t like, that maybe just maybe I need to get over. No,I definitely need to get over it, if I don’t, well I might miss out on something great, or go hungry ..and my silly little thing like eating fish that still has a head on it is just that silly and I need to get over myself. Hashem is so amazingly graceful cus I didnt have to eat the whole head tonight!

13 June 7:30PM

tonight we had our first student initiated Bible study (which means we the students decided we were going to have a bible study so we did) we are going to be reading 1st John reading what there is to read and then some. it was a really great time i have not been to a Bible study in some time and it was really good to get back into that and just be able to share peoples hearts. There really is something about sharing love and joy with others that is just so encouraging and uplifting.

Arrival

Friday morning at 5am i ventured off to TFGreen airport, made a 5 hour stop in the Detroit airport, where I walked up and down the long stretch of gates, drank some rainbow tea and watched water jump from one place to the other. Then I hopped on board a 747 for a thrilling bumpy 18 hour flight to Ninoy Aquino Japan. But wait, the fun of travel does not stop there.. we landed in the Ninoy airport , got off the plane to go through security and then back on the plane for another 4 hours. The combination of anxiety, tiredness (from being up for more then 24 hours) and restlessness, this flight felt like the longest flight of them all. Then there I was landing at the Manila airport in the Philippines. I trodded through passport control, after having my doubts that it was going to be there, got my bag, went through what I think was the easiest costumes ever, exchanged my US dollars for what looks like fake money, and stepped out into the evening air of Manila that so graciously wrapped its self around my lungs like a hot wet blanket.

I was here after all of what seemed to be craziness. I was here ready to take part in this learning venture and to grow in ways I never thought I could grow. Here I was in the hot humid bustling city of Manila, I knew all along that I was going to be here but it still felt so unreal.

Driving down the streets of Manila to the hotel room made me feel right at home, it was 12am but that didn’t seem to stop life in the city, there were cars and trikes on the road and people walking along streets, venders selling there goods. There was life in the air, I was going to feel so at home here. I loved it already.

I entered the hotel, got my key and headed off to my room ..took a lovely shower and climbed up to my bed (yes my bed was up in the air and not on the ground)

the next morning I met with my group that will be joining me for the next 7 weeks to do mini med school so we can help out in third world countries. We fed our bellies and then we were off and on our way to the the Island of Calipan where we will be studying for the next 7 weeks. After packing our luggage and ourselves in the vans we took off to the bus station, had a lovely 3 hour bus ride in a comfy air-conditioned bus (the luxury of that) then to the ferry station we went, enjoyed the beautiful ocean breezes and the amazing view, then hopped on the van for the last lag of the ride. We made it we were all here, hello Calipan, we are here.