He picked me

every one keeps giving me praize
“oh how great you are for doing the Will of G-d you are so strong”
for one I am not strong
and I am no different the anyone
If G-d took hold of your life, and your heart was in love with His
heart, like mine
then you would do the same. whatever He tells you.
but that does not make me strong or great. I am just in love with my
Creator and He is my Master. so I follow Him even if it’s not what I
would of pick.
I didn’t pick  Him, He picked me.
I am not great or strong or brave
if I appear to be, that’s because you do not see the countless hours i
spend crying my eyes out, saying “why me?” you dont not see how many
times I fall on my face at His feet. You do not see how weak  really
am, and how much I lean on my Him for His strength. and you do not see
how many times I have tried to walk away.
then why you might ask, if its so hard, why? 

its simple,

because G-d loves me, and not that fake love we have come to know. but

that passionate love, a love that would give you strength to die for
someone. and He did die for me. its that kinda love that ruins the
inner core of humanity that has been places inside of you sense you
were a baby. A love that once felt, you could never be sanisfiyed by
not feeling it, or ever be the same. it chances how you see people,
and makes you want to love with the same passion. Its not feeling of
butterflies but a feeling of firer burning you up, devouring your very
being, refining you  to make you pure, yes its a love that makes you
pure.
I do not desive praise, but give Him all the glory.

Gone with yesterday

Life is never quite what it seems, and when you think you got one more day you might be wrong, see life is such a fragile thing, so don’t take it lightly. And a child’s life is even more fragile because its in someone else’s care, they cant feed them self’s or wash them self’s, they don’t know not play with fire. They cant give themselves medica or get a blanket. When they are lying there helpless, that just what they are helpless, waiting for you to help them, to be with them. Life is never what it seems, it might even feel like a dream, we always say tomorrow but tomorrow might never come.  We put life’s on the line, to later because now is always being wasted.

 

I held her in my arms I could feel the warm of her body threw my cloths as I tried to comfort her. I new she wanted to cry but was too weak, just like that her eyes were sunken her lungs were breathless her pulse was pulseless, no CPR or medicine could help her now, it was too late. Because tomorrow did not come.

 

Sleeplessness restlessness, I tossed and turned. I could hear voices, I thought about going up to see if everything was ok. But I thought, no they have it under control. Knock on the door, the news came to me, threw sleepy eyes, I was hoping that I miss understood what was being told to me, I quickly threw on pants and walked out the door to next door, up the stairs, I was not really sure what to do now, I paced the floor. Not really sure what to do. Then the door opened and there she was in Pauline’s hands raped in a white sheet. I went to go find nice cloths, I felt helpless, her little face. Her little legs, her little life.  So many thoughts going threw my head. I could not help but think if I did something wrong, what if I was there today, what if I just stayed there that night, but really what good would playing the what if game do now?  It was what it was there was no going back no shutting down just going forward.  Pauline was doing everything that needed to be done as she was about to run out the door to look for coffins at 12am I grabbed her and held her in my arms. She then looked at me and said I am glad you are here. That right there, that made it all worth it. I was asking G-d why, why am I here, To see a fragile life pass by in this life? That moment if that was the only reason why I have been here the last few weeks then, it was all worth it, I keep saying that I here for the babies maybe its more then that.

 

She stands there

This little girl stands in front of me

holding a teddy bear,

her face is

white

toffee

black

no facial expression there

her feet are bare and bloody

dirt covers her whole body

she looks so small and fragile

her skin is thinly wrapped around her bones

as if she has no muscle tissue

she has scars and bruises and open wounds on her arms

scabbed over, encrusted, pussing greenness forming around them

I wonder why she does not cry

Her eyes are

Slanted

round

almond shaped

they are

blue

brown

green

red

black

circles form around them

she looks so tired and weak

yet she stands

she makes me feel uncomfortable

I want to yell

WHAT DO YOU WANT

But she is just a torn little

Asian

African

Middle eastern girl

I feel as if I should hug her

But something says I can’t

I want to love her

But part of me does not care

And would be ok

Just walking away to leave her there

Something in me breaks

For I don’t want to feel that way

I can hear whispers quiet, quiet whispers

From children saying

love me

love me

I fall to the ground covering my ears

love me

love me

Is all I can hear being carried though the wind

I rock back and fourth in the dirt shaking my head

love me

love me

love me

love me

love me

all different childrens’ voices ringing in my ears

I look up to the sky and yell I can’t

Silence

In front of me the little girl stands

I look at her

I can’t love you

I cry and rock

I can’t love you

I put my head to my knee

Look back at her and say

I don’t know how

 

I don’t understand pain

The way you do

I don’t know hate like you do

I could hug you and give you my all

but that would be out of shame and guilt

shame that you are hurting and no one cares

and guilt that I don’t see you the same way I see myself

guilt that I can’t look at you and say how lovely is she

that’s not love, thats selfishness

you have had enough of that in your life

I don’t know how to love.

She still stands there

I look up and yell

WHY IS SHE STANDING HERE,

I cry

WHAT DO YOU WANT OF ME?

I can not feel her pain

I do not know real pain

I am just a complainer when I look at her

This beautiful girl left out to die

Looking in to her eyes tells me I don’t know the meaning of

pain

turmoil

distress

unloved

miss treated

My heart breaks

I WANT TO LOVE HER

I shout I WANT TO LOVE HER

I wont turn away

I cant turn away

I look into this little girls face

Can you teach me how to love

I engulf her in my arms

Tons of children run all around us

there is noise and laughter, I hug and kiss each one.

I stand up, we are walking now

As I walk with this little girl in my hands

I see little girls and boys lining the street

Hundreds of them

standing there

Looking at me

They are dirty and bloody and torn

All I see is lovely

I take a breath as say I will not walk away

I can’t walk away.

 

Buzz, buzz.

Swat, “go away fly”

I was just trying to eat my pizza

This fly just keep getting in my way

Not really go anywhere just flying around acting like it was leaving then it would dive in for the pizza.

I was trying to get it just leave me alone, but it would not listen.

Sigh, go away fly

But it was persistent in buzzing around,

Oh just kill it now I thought.

Soon as I said that, I thought, oh wow.

I am so glad that G-d does not say that to us.
How many times we might seem like a fly to G-d

Buzzing around not really going anywhere or getting anything done.

He could just say that, He could of said that to the Israelites

Who always went there own way and never really seemed to learn, but He had patiens with them.

Oh thank You G-d that You are full of mercy and steadfast love.

Even though I am not.

The 8th week

For 7 weeks now every Friday (or Thursday) we would all get up early and hop in the bus and drive to whatever village was scheduled for the week. Well today was the 8^thweek though it seemed very solemn and quiet, something was missing. Like the team I had grown to know over the past 7 weeks, now it was me and Roo left for the school. Along with the staff that has been there every week. The bus seemed more spacious yet lonely.

When we got to the location I felt a little like a fish out of water. Everyone seemed to know what to do and had a job and I didn’t know what to do. Pauline then gave me a spot and deemed me doctor for the day, I took a deep breath. Roo saw the panic that I  was fighting to not show. She said don’t worry about it the L-rd will lead you, the light went off in my head like “oh yeah that’s right G-d will help me, why am I worrying, that’s why I am here after all” and of course I knew that but we can all use reminders.

 I still felt like there was so much I didn’t know, and this time I didn’t have other students next to me to pick their brains. How many times I forgot  and had to ask silly little questions, oh how humbling it was for me. I am still learning, the more time I have out there the better I will get.  I am still working on changing my mind set. I  am thinking too much with my western mind. A majority of our patients come in with a cough and cold, I don’t know how many times I have said in my head, really they came for a cough and cold. We never go to the doctors for a little cough and cold (unless it gets bad). Then I catch myself and say “of course we don’t, mom just reaches into the medicine cabinet or drives to the store and gives me pills or syrup. Most of these people can’t afford medicine even, a dollar cough syrup.  Something that really surprised me is how easy it is to get medicine here. You don’t need a prescription for a lot of things. Being that going to a doctor is too expensive, people just go to a sary,and get some amoxicillin and just take it when they have a cough. Like you would take Paracetamol (Tylenol). I know we have a problem in the states with people not finishing their antibiotics because they feel better, not realizing that when they don’t finish their body builds up antibodies and get what we would call  immune and it no longer works and its just all around not good for you.  The more I work here the more I realize that education is important, informing people how to take care of themselves.  Sometimes I find myself back in my western mind, saying ” how can these people not know……” but how would they? Has anyone ever told them?”  A few times during the school I was asked a question that I did not know, when I said I did not know, I was asked how come you don’t know that, you should know that. Well my response was simple, I never learned it.  Well just like I should of known so should they, now all we need is someone to teach them.