Closed of

                                                                          Written 9 May, 2008

                                                                          Time in Israel 

 

   So often I find myself closed off, like I shut myself off, or I just sit there and don’t share myself. I didn’t realise how much I don’t let people in until I lived in a house of 17 people.

Out of all the challenges we faced being in a different culture, a new country with new languages… living together with 17 people for 3 months, and then 4 people for 2 months; was by far the biggest challenge for me. Why?

There was no where to hide and I felt like I was vunerable and exposed. I didn’t want anyone to see the real me. I disconnected myself, I was there but, really not. Durning the first 3 months we were taking classes and we all needed time alone to deal with issues that Ad-nai was revealing to us in that time. Then it came to outreach and it was time to work as a team; if I didn’t open up how could I possibly help the team.

I felt so ripped open already, if I put myself out there I might get ripped open again, by hiding myself and not sharing me I jipped the team and the people we were reaching out to. By hiding myself I was hiding the the piece of El-him that has been placed inside of me.

Who am I to keep the world from seeing images of our Creator? If I kept myself closed off, then no one would see that piece of Him.

In a world of so many people trying so hard not to be themselves, we lose the image of El-him.

By hiding ourselves from people, it that not rejecting ourselves?and by rejecting ourselves are we not rejecting the creation of the Creator.

In a world that rejects G-d I guess it makes sence to reject His creation too.

We got it backward

So I have been thinking lately, and the more I think, the more confused I get and the more I discover I don’t know anything. What I thought I knew, I have found to be wrong. what people have been telling me, what I have learn, it just makes no sense when thought about. it sounded good at one point but now that i am using my own mind I just got to say that I don’t agree.

I have been taking all I know to Ad-nai and trying to line it up with Him, and something I have found that so often we do it backward we get a thought or the theory and we try to line Ad-nai up with it.  We find verses that fit and we can explain it so it makes sense. but the more I get to know Ad-nai the more I see, that He does not make sense to me or this world. because He is so much bigger then that. 

I have found that people don’t so much care if there backing G-d, as long as they feel G-d is backing them. Then people well so easily follow them. Witch makes me think are we really trying to find G-d, and understand Him?

maybe the mistake is that we want to understand Him but, we cant. So inoder to try we put Him in a box, so that we can try get a pictuer but then we get a pictuer of the box and not really Him at all.  We all take different things we like and put it in the box. Now everyone has a box but whats in the box is different cus its only part not all. G-d is to big for us to comprehend so we have stopped even trying and instead of keeping an open mind and trying to understand piece by piece.  We close the box, only focusing on the pieces that we have picked.

I am not sure when we thought we had the right to put G-d in a box or even why we would want to.

G-d is so much bigger then you, don’t try to fit Him into your life and your head. fit into His.

Love, with everything you got?

Ok so here’s a question for you.

what does it mean to love G-d with all your heart soul and mind?

any G-d loving person out there most likely has asked this question and is most likely still asking this question and will continue to ask this question. 

 

I mean like if you love G-d everything in your life should show it right? everything you do should be trying to please Him. Respect Him, listen to Him 

you should live your life out in evidence that you love Him.

 

but how do you do that? what does it look like?

does it mean you must give up everything that you have and live on trusting in Him for your every need.

does it mean you should give up sleeping so you can spend more time with Him.

Does it mean that we should see everything we own as His and freely give it as He tells us.

 

Ok so to some of you that might sound crazy, but here the thing

if you love someone would you not give up your job, your house, your money and move to be with them?

if you love someone would you not want to stay up all night  just to see if they say somthing anything cus you love to here there voice?

if you love someone then do you not see all you have as theirs. 

 

Same thing if you love someone and they dont like that you smoke would you not try giving up smoking? even if it hard or it hurts?

 

I get a lot of questions about why i do things that hurt, that are hard, that break everything inside of me, for G-d.  

 

well here is my answer, I am driven by this crazy thing called love.

I am so in love with G-d that i will give up everything i have, 

 

sad reality is that i still am in love with myself a little to much. and my love for G-d is not the only thing that drives me. 

you see i will only go so far.

 

but i dont want that i want more i want to love Him with everything cus that the only thing i think of day and night i mean i have to try to push Him out of my head.

 

thats why i ask what does it mean to love G-d with all your heart soul and mind. what does it look like. how do we get there?

 

ok ok i know the answer to the question just give it all to Him. but thats hard how do we get to the point where we can do that. Give up everything for Him.

 

How do we get to the point where not only everything we own, is His but everything we do is for Him, everything we spend. every moment we breath we breath it for Him. 

 

and again to some thing that might sound extreme. Cus you know what G-d loves me already i dont have to do a thing to earn His love. but i dont love Him because i owe Him but i love Him because He is the only one i can love and i love Him because He First loved me.

 

I am finding that love is a process ask any couple that has been mairred over 2 years and they will tell you.

 

leaving me behind so i may seek after Him