being broken down for a love so much bigger and greater then comprehension

The life changing room


Among laughing and talking, the room became quiet in my head only to hear the clanking of metal surgical instruments being placed on a tray, it was one after another each one make my heart beat faster, and the shape of each one made me feel more and more light-headed. I was overwhelmed with thoughts, I wanted to shake my head and scream no, What was about to happen next couldn’t happen I couldn’t let it.
I tried to understand what she said, her words were lost in translation and panic, her head was shaking, saying something I could not understand. The room just transformed from a place your eager to enter to the point of no return. Your life is never the same once you leave this room, and that was going to be the same tonight, that thought was followed with a deep nagging sadness. I was praying in my head, as I was trying to figure out whether to cry or to yell. There was nothing I could do. So I held her hand to try to calm her down, I didn’t offer the empty promise of “everything is going to be ok” as I tried to remain strong.
Once the nurse put on her gloves I knew it was the point of no return. Her eyes were getting heavy as she rose her hand to — and praying quietly, I was praying right along with her. She slowly started to fade away as the sedative pumped into her vains were kicking in. All dignity was lost as her legs were put in straddles and long metal interments were inserted into her vaginal opening. She cringed her face, as my heart cringed, the sounds of metal scraping the uterus lining will forever be etched into my mind. The nurses were talking and laughing as one held the vagina open and one scraped.
“Why G-d why?” I ask as the blood flowed out into the bucket placed at the end of the bed. The procedure is done, the nurse then shakes her hand over the tray and there it is the little fetus; only 3 months, smaller then the top of my thumb, yet you can see little arms and legs and head, it was then place in a jar that later was taken a way, if my heart was not already broke, it broke then. I really did not know how to feel, I knew this room as a life giving room in the past; where I have had my joyfullest moments of getting to see life enter this world and how I even got to be the first one to see a sweet little boy as I caught him coming out his mother. This room had been known to me as the life changing room it changed my life and I know it changed every mother that came it there, but today the life was sucked out of it, yet it still remained the life changing room. For that mothers life will never seem the same again.
It was not her plan to have a spontaneous abortion but sometimes theses things happen. It was easy for me to get angry at the nurses for being so disconnected, but it’s so much easier to deal with if you don’t allow yourself to get emotionally involved. The hardest part of it for me was I didn’t understand what was going on because I don’t speak the language and sometimes I feel like they don’t want us to understand.

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