“Since I have been home I have not wanted to really be around people. I think the biggest reason is that I have nothing to say to them. If I am around people I feel as if I have to put on a show. That I’m ok, and that I’m even happy. Because if they think I am not ok then they all go and try to make me happy, to fix me.”
I wrote this a few weeks ago and after I finished the last sentences I had a huge break down. Even though I had a lot more I wanted to write, because I was writing out of anger I think its best that, that’s as far as I got. I really don’t think I ever cried that hard or that long in my life. I had been stuck in a slump for a very long time and well HaShem needed to brake me. Since that night He has continued braking me. I have to say it feels good to be broken and not trying to make myself feel whole.
After all that hiding form people and myself, it feels good to be around people, and it feels really good to smile from my heart and not just my facial muscles. I still have a long way to go but I feel as if I am right where HaShem wants me to be.
It really keeps me in check that I really am nothing apart from HaShem, but a weak hopeless little girl.
People always seem to have statements of admiration for me and well it’s not me, I tell you, there in nothing good in me apart from G-d. So please don’t go admiring me, He is the only one worth admiring. The only good quality about me is that I am in love with Him. Even then I only love Him because He loved me first. And that thought truly dose make me happy all the way down to the deepest part of my soul.