being broken down for a love so much bigger and greater then comprehension

Stage fifteen ?

 

Today, in and of itself was a fairly normal day expect of the holiday and the fact there was but one doctor in the whole hospital and two nurses to 16 + patients in the OB ward. Nothing was really that crazy or out of the normal (for them). However, the accumulation of the past 4 weeks seems to have gotten to me. The way things are done here are becoming normal to me and I’m starting to expect them. Yet I don’t want to expect the way they are done.

There are stages of being an outsider in a third world.

Stage one: You want to be helpful in anyway

Stage two: You see a need and you think of ways you can meet that need (your mind is full of ideas your heart is beating fast and your certain that you can help even just a little)

Stage three: You start to see the string unravel and realize there are many problems

Stage four: pay more attention take notes ask questions

Stage five: talk to people see what they think, what they believe would help

Stage six: scale down your ideas

Stage seven: scale them down more

Stage eight: pick the most important and present thing

Stage nine: brain storm again

Stage ten: Talk to people on board that also see the problem. Feel hope that your change might be possible and will help

Stage elven: Realize that the people that want the change are the problem and not the solution.

Stage twelve: feel numb, useless and discouraged.

Stage thirteen: ask “where the heck do you go from here?”

Stage fourteen: Think “dose it even matter?”

 

You don’t really start seeing the big picture until you’re around long enough, the bits and pieces start coming together. What you thought was true, might relieve itself to be false. This can leave you feeling discouraged, frustrated and deflated. After weeks of hearing the nurses say they don’t have what they need, that is the issue that is the issue. Hearing the doctor’s day the nurses are the issue, that money is the issue. I hear, I listen. What I see is that everything is an issues everyone is an issue and everyone says they want change but they are not even doing the little they can do. No amount of money can fix this unless that money replaced the whole staff. I know I’m not magical I was not going to fix everything, I know that but when you see that nothing is what it seemed, its hard to have hope that it can get better.

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