being broken down for a love so much bigger and greater then comprehension

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In Due time

When you wait, when you trust, when you keep moving things will happen.

And when things start to happen,
Don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.

-Dr. Seuss

So with that being said I am heading to Africa in 3 days and can’t wait!

Why Africa?  If that is a question in your head this is what I will say. Ask my three-year-old self because she has been in love with Africa and wanted to go there. I lose sight of things sometimes over the years, but she always reminds me.

So for me I have been waiting for this for a long time. The day is finally here and the smile on my face will tell you that this is right for me.

My journey starts in a few short days. More to come soon.

 

 

 

NREMT

So Im sitting outside of metro center where I’m about to take the NREMT exam, having arrived extremely early to avoid anything from making me late or stressed I had lots of time to think.  When first thinking of this test and how I had to take it to get my licence and knowing that it was the one thing that could stand in my way from being an EMT is scared me, worried me, stressed me out. The closer I got to the test the less I worried about, until of course I had to pick a date to test and it felt as if the fate of the rest of my life was hanging in the balance. As I said that out loud to my friend I realized just how silly that was. I dont even believe in fate, one single event cant change your life unless you let it.  If I don’t pass the test my life is not over it just means I have to take it over or maybe it means G-d needed to humble me once again… seeing that I got a little too over confident in my abilities and forgot why I took the EMT course in the first place; to glorify G-d ..thats all I care about anyway. Grades and lisence dont matter and I certainly don’t need to prove anything to G-d because I prove to Him everday that I’m unworthy ,yet He still loves me, He still chooses me, so, whatever happens, happens because no matter how hard I did or did not study ,how much I do or do not I  know He is in control… Period.

Frist day

Written 16 June 2010

Going through check in security and passport control at the airport was an… adventure.. not that it didn’t go smooth, there just seemed to be a lot of confusion, when you have 12 bags and 4 people that’s asking for it just a bit. For someone that likes order that was the first hurdle I had to get over. Once we got through and prayed, things seemed to run better.  After two plane rides and a lay over we arrived in Sanwan airport. We dragged our 12 bags threw security and customs we met up with Gedeus and his friend in the dry sticky heat outside. Somehow they managed to get all our bags on the top of the car and all of use (there 6 of us now) in the van.  Once we were loaded up we head out to Santiogo to visit a church were we met a family that we would be soon spending the night with. After what felt like a crazy confusing drive we arrived at a quaint little house, in the DR where we stayed for the night and got blessed by a little family. Tomorrow we head to Haiti but today we rest with this little family in the DR.

Wait what? Carlene went to Haiti?

Ok some of you might be reading this saying did I miss something? Well I was saying the same thing on June 16th.

“G-d how did I get here?”

When G-d moves He doesn’t waste anytime, He doesn’t need plane things the way we do.  We should be ready at any moment to do to be wherever G-d wants us.  For some of use that hard to do.  We feel like we need to pray to put out a flees to ‘wait on the L-rd’.  Well if you put it that way I have been waiting a long time with my hands open. Saying whatever you want me to do just tell me, I go about my day go about working but ready to give that all up to do Ad-nai will. So when He tells me to go to Haiti in 3 days well I go..I don’t have to think about it or wait because well I was waiting and now I going.  I didn’t have time to think or worry or panic in fact I was there in back so fast I’m like what happened?

Ok some of you are still wondering how I got to Haiti.  Well you already know it was G-ds will.  The earthly reason I went was because my congregation has an orphanage/safe house/family center called Chesed (kindness in Hebrew) House, in Cap-Haitien, Haiti.  I have been praying sometime about wither I should go there, since the earth quake there has been a even greater need, even though Cap-Haitien was not directly effected by the quake hundreds of people came the the city and mountain near by to try to find a safe place to stay.  That resulted in Chesed House overflowing with children.  So my main job was to talk each kid and take pictures so we can work on getting the kids sponsorships so we are sure they always have food in there bellies.

more to come later..

I am where?

Written June 16th

As I write this I find myself on a plane heading to Haiti. When I was told I was going to Haiti 3 days ago it didn’t really hit me then and still hasn’t hit me now. (I am going where? How did that happen?) People have been asking me if I’m ‘ready’, if I’m ‘excited’, regardless of those things…here I am on a plane. I think sometimes we feel like to do the works of G-d we have to go to trainings and have months to get ready, prepared and of course we need to be excited because if we are not then it can’t be the will of G-d. Can anyone say Jonah? (I’ll leave that for another post). Don’t get me wrong I am excited but really more content then anything,. I am at peace but find myself asking should I really be on the plane, what am i doing here.  That dose not mean I don’t want to be here, but really what good can I do.  I don’t understand Him but I don’t have to understand or even agree with Him to be obedient. As far as feeling ready, dose that really matter what I feel, G-d said get on that plane well in fact G-d use my Rabbi to tell me that, but there has been many times where I thought I was ready and boy was I wrong and then there was times when I couldn’t of felt less prepared and those are the times I have seen G-d awesomeness the most, because I look to Him and not myself.  I have found it is more important to stay humble then be ‘ready’ whatever that really means anyway.  So I don’t know what I am doing here or if I am ‘ready’ for whatever I am about to face but my heart  is open with G-d’s passion written on it, and I am letting go of anything I might have to give so that He can give what is really needed.

G-d uses us when we’re willing and open, not when were ready..

Stepping back, instead of pushing on

a weight hangs over my shoulder, a restlessness fights with my sprite  I cant see. I’m losing focus the feather ahead I push, the harder it is to see, the heaver it gets  the more my sprite fights. I cry out

” how do i get pass this?”

So here I am taking a step back, stepping away from all the craziness, and cutting off all the filth and my earthly identity. I don’t want it any more. I just want the will of Ad-nai, and sometime the things that don’t make any sense are the only things that make prefect sense.  

In our human understanding when we feel disconnected we try to keep pushing forward and try to find something to make a us feel reconnected. Some times step back and drawing near to the only One that can make you feel that way, is the best way.

In fact I think thats part of the problem we have, we try to keep pushing on, when Ad-nai dose not tell us that, we tell us that.  How can we push threw if we left something that we really need behind, witch is why stepping back is sometimes needed.

its a humbling process dieing to ones identity.

Blown away

Over half a million words in the English  language and there are no words that I have found to affectively describe the awesomeness of Ad-nai. and even if I found a word that was perfect for a moment He would for sure overpass the word very soon.

Even though we try so hard and come up with new words all the time, sometimes there just are no words and some things are just not worthy of even trying to put into words.

What Ad-nai is doing inside of me I cant even begin to describe but its both awesome and a bit scary but oh so lovely, all I can say is that i am so so blown away.